Heart, coffee, bad shopping spree.

So I haven't posted anything interesting for a while. This post isn't going to change anything unfortunately... my life is unworthy of an interesting blog post, ever. I never do anything worth writing down!

So no news really, the only thing is that I've got a cardiology appointment on 16th December. Some of the symptoms I've put down to M.E. for a long time may actually be down to having a spacky heart; my friend has POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) and it's possible I do too, since we have identical symptoms. As I've said before though, when you have something as all-encompassing as M.E. it could just be that. But I'm glad that I've been referred to cardiology because I've been having heart palpitations as well, which are becoming annoying now. So if anything can be done about those I will be rather happy :) also, some of my other 'symptoms' that may be due to POTS is feeling really light-headed when I stand up - but not like just a simple headrush; my vision goes for about 10 seconds, I lose all coordination, I'm very weak and feel like I'm about to faint, I have to lean on a wall so I don't fall over, and often I get a feeling of heat creeping over me and/ or shivering. I'm always always shaky, I get a lot of intense headaches, my circulation is awful (I also have Raynaud's), and walking generally is a struggle for me because I find it so hard to breathe and stay standing up and moving when I feel like collapsing from weakness, and it feels like my lungs aren't big enough to take in all the oxygen I seem to need. I also sweat profusely (lovely eh? :P) and have to guzzle water manically to the point where you'd think I must have just done a marathon. So in other words I can't stand up or walk very easily. Exercise is something I've come to miss desperately over the last few years (never thought I'd hear myself say that!) which I've not been able to do because of the above symptoms.

When I went to the doctor's recently with heart palpitations and mentioned (for the millionth time) my symptoms of low blood pressure etc on standing, she took my blood pressure when I was sitting down, then asked me to stand up, and after about a minute or so she took my blood pressure again. Even after a minute of being stood up, my blood pressure had dropped by 20. I'm so glad it was finally as badly behaved as usual in front of a doctor! The other two times I've had that test done, my blood pressure has gone up (which is what it's supposed to do) and I haven't had the usual symptoms. But this time, although I didn't have my usual symptoms, my blood pressure did drop and it proved that it's been happening. It may sound weird to anyone that considers themselves 'healthy' but I'm glad there's something solid for them to go on, because if there's something wrong that they can actually find there's more chance of it being treatable which is what I've wanted for years and years. There's not much that can be done for POTS or low blood pressure, and even if I get given something for it it's not going to get rid of all my other M.E.-related symptoms, but an alleviation of just some of them would be nice. This is why I'm excited over this referral.

It's going to involve a chest xray beforehand - I've literally only just found this out from my appointment confirmation letter - do you think they'll let me have a copy of the xray? I want to draw boobs on it :D I'm also having a tilt-table test, which is actually the scary part. They do the tilt table to see how your heart and blood pressure reacts when they change the posture of your body. The thing with that though is that obviously when I stand up I get very light-headed and faint - and this is what they want to replicate with the tilt-table test (e.g. by tilting the table upwards/ forward). And that's why I'm nervous about it. Because along with the weakness etc I get very nauseous and I'm scared that I'll puke on someone or something :P and I don't want to full on faint either. That would suck. Well I say that - I kind of do want to faint, to prove that this is such a big problem for me. But clearly no one really likes fainting so as I said I'm still a bit nervous. Hmmm.

Anyway, today I decided to take a day off (since I'm usually doing uni work at the weekends) and went shopping. I wanted to go to Primark to get a jumper or two and just have a general look around - I also wanted to get some new boots because I've had a pair for a couple of years which are pretty much past it now, and the toes are so scuffed/ ruined that if I'm walking in the rain my socks get soaked. And that makes me grumpy. So I thought a new pair would be justified :)

From Primark, as you do, I ended up buying loads more than I should have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of Primark at all really, but it's all I can afford so until I can afford to be more picky I'll just stick with it! I got a shirt jacket kind of thing, a jumper, a cardigan, a top, a pair of plimsole things (£4!) a jumpery top, a hairband, and a few other bits. While Primark is cheap, the jumpers were around £11-13 each so it added up to quite a lot and I felt horrific when the amount came up on the till. Ahhh I hate being a poor student! Then I went to New Look and got two pairs of boots - I know, I know, two... :( I felt bad. BUT one pair were £16 and the other were £24.99 so that's hardly bad for two pairs :) I got one pair of fluffy Ugg-but-not-Ugg ones because they're so warm (I had an Animal pair beforehand which were brilliant but again they're past it) and some knee high ones which I've wanted for ages (but flat, rather than with heels, because I can't walk in heels... which is a waste of a lot of the shoes that I have!). Then I went to this amazing shop called Evolution which I love, I think most of my Christmas presents will come from there :) I bought an incense holder - an Indian goddess I think it is - which is quite funny because the way she holds the incense stick makes it look like she's holding a light saber :D I got some incense sticks as well, including a pack of Frankincense ones which is my favourite scent (well, favourite out of the few scents I know). I've burnt a Frankincense one since I've been home but it was probably a bad idea as I'm tired and it made my eyes really sting. Smells amazing though :)

I also had lunch in Soho Coffee Co today, which I'm going to write a bit about quickly - oh yes, I've become that arrogant dick who writes about their coffee shop experiences. Kill me now. But yeah, I went in there to look at the prices and they seemed reasonable, so I decided to eat there. But when it all added up it wasn't quite as reasonable as I thought - e.g. for a sandwich, a coffee and a little cold drink thing it came to nearly £8. :( I wouldn't have minded if it was remotely worth it but it so wasn't. I had a tuna and onion sandwich which had salad in it, but loads of the lettuce was brownish which freaked me out a bit; I had a caffe latte (i.e. meant to be espresso and steamed milk) but it was basically espresso and foam. There was about two inches of foam on top that you had to get through before you got to any coffee, and when I did get to the coffee it wasn't even that good. Anyway I'm not supposed to have coffee (my body has a tantrum when I do) so I thought I'd try and rectify it a bit by having a raspberry lemonade thing. It was okay, but it really wasn't anything special... it was like regular lemonade with a hint of bland. Brilliant. So I paid almost £8 for a really half-arsed lunch. I'm sure most places would add up to roughly that much, especially in Bristol which is expensive as it is, and especially now when everything costs so much more than it used to anyway. So my disappointment wasn't so much with the price but the 'meh'ness of what I got. I sound like I was really bothered by my disappointing lunch... I'm really not that fussed, it's just one of those things. I would certainly never complain, unless my sandwich had half a finger in or something :P but SoHo is meant to be one of those 'good' brands so I was just surprised that it was a bit shit.

I should add I bought absolutely nothing for anyone else today. No Christmas gifts, nothing. I feel extremely guilty about that but I had a big fat list of things I needed to get and I just didn't get round to looking for anyone else. Oh well, next time :P

I'm sure there are a few other little things to write about but I'm going to leave it there because my nausea is being a pain in the arse as per usual. Probably my own fault for having coffee but meh.

Will write soon... doubtless more irrelevant, inconsequential shit, but never mind.

Just a thought.

One of the most amazing things about history is that often, you can connect with people from the past better than you can with the people by which you're surrounded. You get to know historical characters as real people with real personalities and lives in which they were just as caught up as any of us today. You get to meet them, get to know them, and then you can end up mourning them when your association with them ends, or you learn of their death. I know that in studying suicide reports (which include the method of suicide, circumstances leading up to it, possible reason for committing the act etc), it makes me wish I could reach out and touch the people I'm studying and change the tiniest thing for them that would have made life that bit easier to tolerate and that little bit more worth living. It makes me sad to read of their deaths because in learning all the details about it, you get to know them and mourn them in a couple of hundred words. You also realise how they're just normal people in unfortunate circumstances which they found too hard to bear.


In a wider sense, though, it also reminds you that we're all going to be history one day. We are those historical characters that other people are going to look at with confusion, respect, empathy, fascination, disgust, amusement, regret, nostalgia...


The scary part is that it reminds you of how transient life is and how you really have to make the most of the time you get.


Carpe Diem, etc.


It makes me want to do something with my life that will last through generations and really have an impact in some way. It's so hard to know what that might be. But I think living in itself, however we choose to do it, and recording it in as much detail as you can, is one of the most beautiful things you can do.


You never know who might be reading your story in years to come and how much it might resonate with them, and how your life, as insignificant as it feels now, might give someone - or an entire age - a worthwhile insight for what it was like when we were alive. Even if it's just an insight in to the life of one person. It might even teach them something important (i.e. why it's bad to give bankers bonuses!)


And for those in the 1800s whose suicide reports I'm studying... I'm sorry that I never got to meet you and appreciate the wonderful things about you that I'm sure existed. I hope it helps that even if though it's 200 years later, someone is sorry that no one was there to save you and remind you what there was to live for.


I think we owe it to these people - and anyone who has left this world too soon - to live as fully as we possibly can, while we can, before it's our turn to join them in history.


Just a thought that I like to keep in the back of my mind :)