Tuesday, 3 August 2010


This isn't going to be about anything particular. Just for my own reflection really.

So, today I've felt sick all day and have had to force myself to eat or I feel worse from the hypoglycaemic-type-symptoms I get when I don't eat enough. I hate having to force myself to eat, it doesn't feel good at all and I never have any idea what to have; I have a very stressful relationship with food. I just find it such an inconvenience and in a way, a bit of a paradox - I don't have enough energy or mental clarity to decide what to have or to make it, and because haven't eaten, I still don't have any energy to do anything. Food upsets me everyday and I dread meal times, mainly for the energy I use purely thinking of what I can have. I'm also constantly worrying that not only am I not really eating, but I'm not eating the 'right' stuff, which makes me feel guilty and puts me off eating even more.

I've been quite dizzy over the past few days. Today my muscles and joints are aching a lot too. I've been stuck in bed for most of the day feeling too nauseous, sore, dizzy and achey to do anything but I'm used to it really. I wish I wasn't.

I still have a lot of uni work to do which is dragging me down. I have my 5000 word project which is running into endless problems because of the nature of it. I really need my tutor to reply to my email asking for help but she hasn't thus far, and it has to be in on September 10th. Eek :( I also have to revise for two exams which will be sometime in the first two weeks of September (I'm not sure when yet). One of the modules is 'Rethinking History', which is all about metaphysical concepts relating to writing and understanding history but it's far too complicated for my brain to work through, and so tiring trying to absorb it. My brain seems to be able to deal with things I know about already, but learning new information is really tough these days. I sound like an OAP! The other exam is about communism in Russia from start to finish. I loved that module, and I still do, I just don't quite know how to cover it all in less than a month. I'm also not sure how to do well in exams which isn't helping matters, especially since my department refuses to give feedback. Grrr. So I have no idea where I've been going wrong in exams (apart from having a 'slow' brain and feeling like crap all the time!)... I don't know what is wrong with my technique, I wish someone would tell me.

Speaking of my department, there's this adorable Professor. Adorable because... well... let me show you what he looks like:

He specialises in the Tudor period, and he looks like he's walked straight out of it, too :D anyway, my point is, he keeps popping up in random documentaries! One of his other specialities is witchcraft/ paganism. The things I can think of that I've seen him in include a documentary about the Great Fire of London, a Sunday magazine for women in an article about modern-day pagan women, a documentary about women accused of being Maxine Carr and how these accusations resemble witch-hunts, and tonight he appeared in a documentary about 'wild swimming' in which he introduced the presenter to a statue-thing... no, seriously, it was "Alice, this is [insert statue's name here]; [statue] this is Alice." - it was so funny! I was telling my boyfriend's mum about how Ronald pops up in all these programmes and that very night, I was watching the Great Fire of London documentary with her and there he was. The next day she saw him walking by the uni library. Lol! Bless him. I would love to study one of the things he specialises in but there aren't any options that he teaches next year which is a shame, and I'm also not particularly strong when it comes to Early Modern history and I'm not sure what I could do relating to witch-craft.

Anyway, I'm now rambling (as if I wasn't before...). I need to sleep. But I kind of don't see the point because if tonight is like most other nights it'll be broken, unrefreshing and frustrating. Meh. Will hopefully write about something more interesting soon.